SPANK THE MONKEY The ghost of an ape in “mid fap” haunts the hallways of a grand country estate in Dorset

Even for the UK with its love of ‘whimsy’ this next story is beyond anything I have ever heard before. Haunted Athelhampton Hall is a popular wedding venue with romantic spook-hunters. With people waiting for months to get onto the waiting list for the very popular venue, as soul-searching couples clamour to have their weddings held there – in the hope of having the pervy primate appear in the background of their pictures.  The ghost of the randy monkey haunts the halls of a grand English country estate – where romantic spook-hunters flock to tie the knot.

Titillated tourists can often hear the saucy spectre laughing ‘mid fap’ in Athelhampton Hall in Dorset, near Dorchester The Sun Newspaper reported. The lovable ape’s afterlife antics have helped the hall to be named as one of the most haunted houses in England after being listed on ‘We Buy Any Home’s list of the nine most ghostly properties.

The 15th century house was originally built by the Martyn family whose crest featured an excited monkey sitting on a tree stump. The estate’s motto was ‘He who looks at Martyn’s ape, Martyn’s ape will look at him’. Which for 16th century England with its dandies was tantamount to out right war and may have caused a handkerchief flouncing duel to the death, or until the first swoon. 

And ever since, the horny ghost of Martyn’s monkey has haunted the sprawling country pile. One tourist, dad-of-three John Morrison, 41 from Derby, who took his entire family to the estate, spoke excitedly about the spanking spook. He said “We heard that Martyn the monkey who haunts the house loves to scratch his dangelberries while swinging around the halls. “We didn’t see him, which is a shame, because it would have been a real sight said Mr Morrison Sadly. “Apparently he’s not terrifying – quite friendly is what we heard. (I bet he is)

According to the local legend, the unconventional Martyn family did have a pet ape which was free to wander the halls and grounds at will.

But the monkey is not alone. The house is reputed to have six other ghosts – all human. Athelhampton has long been known as a haunted spot and featured on TV’s Most Haunted in 2002. So have you witnessed the ‘bishop bashing simian’ clinging tightly to somebody’s trunk of wood?

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